WHAT’S AN EGO? IS IT GOOD OR BAD?
What’s an Ego & where does it come from?
In my last blog post about overeating, we talked about how taking action to break a pattern can sometimes feel silly (like writing a love letter to your body), but that very feeling of resistance is just your ego trying to keep you in your comfort zone. Over the last 15 years, I’ve studied yoga and spirituality yet found myself feeling puzzled by the concept of the ego. I’ve also been guilty of labeling the ego as bad. It's common to hear it in the context of an arrogant person that doesn’t care about anyone but themself. What I’ve learned is that there is SO much more depth to understanding our own ego and once we can become friends with it, growth and positive change are not only inevitable but they’re limitless.
Here's the deal; everyone has an ego and it’s not going anywhere. Our work is to have a healthy ego rather than an over/under reactive ego.
So what is it?
Our ego is our sense of identity and it begins at childhood. It starts with your name and is followed by possessions, like toys. For example, you’ve probably seen a child completely ignore their toy only until someone else picks it up and you hear them say “hey, that’s mine!” This is the (totally normal) human ego developing and realizing there is a separate identity between ourselves and others. The whole “it’s mine” thing is the ego showing up as fear of someone else taking a piece of our identity (the toy).
As children grow they start to show their sense of self by doing things and looking for a reaction from others. Hence the, “hey look what I can do” as they jump 2 centimeters in the air. Depending on their perception of the reaction of these types of experiences they start to identify themselves in a certain way. For example, “I’m an athlete”, “I’m not good at math”, “I’m better than everyone”, “I never finish anything.” So, throughout our childhood we develop our self image and begin to compare ourselves to others and label ourselves as superior or inferior at all the different things and the ego’s job is to keep whatever that identity “is” permanent.
The higher self, on the other hand, is driven by any necessary change for your highest good regardless of whether or not it is part of your OG identity.
Take a moment to think about how these characteristics show up for you. How does the little kid version of you show up in your grown up life? Ie. Do you get jealous when others have something you want? Do you feel like others can do ‘big things’ but you can’t? Do you feel pressure to act a certain way? Do you crave being the center of attention?
By the way, I want you to reflect on those questions as a gentle observer rather than picking at yourself in a shameful way. Remember our work is to create a healthy ego and this is just part of the process!
“The Highest form of human intelligence is to observe yourself and not judge yourself.”
Deepak Chopra
The ego’s job
The ego (or analytical mind)’s job is to protect us and keep us safe by looking for danger (i.e., don't cross the street when a car is coming). In this way, the ego does its job by protecting us, keeping the sense of self and keeping us alive.
From a mental & emotional standpoint, the ego is always seeking the next thing, or reward, and sometimes that requires change. However, in contrast it resists change because it fears that the identity will change. To the ego, that identity change means danger and its ‘job’ is to protect us, right?
Let’s say, you print fancy business cards to promote yourself but never hand them out, want to ask someone out on a date but lack the courage to walk up and say hello. The motivation comes from the higher self for growth and the ego comes up with excuses because it’s different, scary, or could change something. In my case, my ego steps in when I want to post something valuable on social media but procrastinate because of the fear of people judging me. The ego lives in fear; fear of change, fear of rejection, fear of failure, etc.
Can you see how sometimes the ego plays this mind game with us? It craves reward, yet fears change, and sometimes to receive a reward we have to change. #mindfuck
“The Ego is necessary to avoid danger & calculate risks but when given control it is responsible for an enormous amount of created or perceived suffering.”
Sarah D
Let’s chat about how this applies to the desire to make a positive physical change in your body- an overactive ego may show up and say something like “I want to be the fittest, leanest person in my group” (the ego here is seeking attention). Then to complicate things further it may argue with itself and say “nah you can't do that, you’ve failed every time you’ve tried” OR “I’ve already eaten like shit today, might as well eat this doughnut and start tomorrow” (again, because the ego fears change).
A healthy vs. unhealthy ego
The goal is to recognize these voices (fear) in your head and ask yourself what choice can I make that is in the highest good for ALL (love).
I like to think of it like Little Me/FEAR vs. Big Me/LOVE.
When faced with the choice to feed my ego or Iean into my higher self, I think of my ego as Little Me acting like a child begging for attention but scared of anything that is unfamiliar. My Little Me is scared & lazy yet wants to be recognized. My Big Me knows that I am here in this lifetime for a purpose for the greater good and acknowledges that in order to contribute my gifts I need to make choices that bring me closer to a better tomorrow, even if they’re uncomfortable and scary. Not because I need to be seen as a hero but because it’s purposeful and fulfilling. Call it, intuition > ego.
The graphic examples below showcase the journey of tapping into your deepest ‘WHY’ around fitness and nutrition. The graphic on the left represents Big Me getting to the core of what my higher self wants. The graphic on the right represents Little Me controlling my ego for surface level results. Don’t worry, you’ll get to try this exercise too!
Big Me / Healthy Ego
Little Me / Controlled Ego
I think so often we come up with new goals for ourselves and somehow feel like we lack the willpower or integrity to follow through. There are certainly people in the world that can conquer big goals on willpower alone, perhaps those with overactive egos that want to be better than everyone else…?
But, I’ve come to recognize that when those people reach their goals, something still feels like it’s missing, like they aren’t truly fulfilled after. What I see as more common is the under-active ego getting in the way of growth via excuses and distractions in an effort to maintain the existing personal identity and avoid scary changes.
In my opinion, letting the ego take the wheel on positive change is a recipe for suffering because it is coming from a place of either being superior or staying small. In order to truly feel fulfilled, our goals need to come from a place of (love, Big Me, self actualization, intuition) to reach our full potential.
Otherwise, we find our ego in control in 2 ways; striving for something that looks good on the outside, or never making progress at all due to fear.
The ego becomes a problem when it is louder and in more control than Big Me. When we step in as Big Me (an evolved, intuitive adult who knows what is in the highest good) we can talk to Little Me and tame it. I have conversations with my Little Me all the time and I say things like “hey, I know this is scary/hard/different but we’ve got this.”
Here are some ideas of what you can do with this information to continue your quest for your own goals and quest for your Pure Potential:
Bust that journal out and play the “WHY” game similar to the graphic above. At the top of your page write “Why must I prioritize nourishment and movement?” Let the Big You step in and take the wheel. Answer the question and continue to ask yourself ‘why’ until you feel that chill/butterflies/internal knowing. That means you’ve gotten to the core of what Big You really desires.
The goal here is to shift from the surface level “I want to fit into XX Jeans,” which rarely works and is all ego, into defining a spiritual reason why you MUST, on a deeper level.
Why is prioritizing your movement and nourishment necessary to connect to the best version of yourself? Is it to stay healthy for your great grandchildren or to have the vibrancy to fulfill your purpose for as long as possible? If you know me, you know that I love pretending I have a super hero cape on. So close your eyes, visualize that cape whipping in the wind while you stand tall with a wide open heart. Take some deep breaths in and ask your Big Me (highest version of yourself, LOVE) to step in.
For an added boost and to help you tap into your Big Me; try this free meditation.
Cheering on Big You!